


Strawberry Milk, Sikhye, and Hope

by honeypressed



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Banter and Jokes, Bruises, Canon Compliant, Communication, Crying, Different Love Languages, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hickeys, Homophobia, Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Injuries, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Overthinking, Romantic Gestures, Swearing, Unrequited Love, attempt at Character Study/development, heart to heart conversations, i talk about woojin's departure, i used minsung as a plot developer dont k-word me, please read the beginning notes to skip this part if you want/need to, self-deprecation in a way on seungmin's part, small choking on food scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24322132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeypressed/pseuds/honeypressed
Summary: A year into Seungmin realising that he in fact, does have a crush on Jeongin, Jeongin takes the sikhye so he can have the strawberry milk when they are eating dinner one night.A month after that, Jeongin repeats the exact the same actions when they're filming the music video for On Track.It takes Seungmin three days to decide what to do - and that he will finally face up to what he has been scared of the most.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 23
Kudos: 182
Collections: drop everything and read this





	Strawberry Milk, Sikhye, and Hope

**Author's Note:**

> me: lets take it easy  
> me: put 20k into a one shot no chapters DO IT 
> 
> well well well look who's back??? [chuckles] im in danger 
> 
> my lovely friend briee-elle showed me a post with one line that was like "Jeongin is tickly so he doesn't like skinship s okay he doesnt hate the members" and was like Hey Look and i went Oh My God, You Genius and then i wrote this. all u need to know is that i wrote this whole fic in comic sans, everyday in the semi-dark around midnight until it was done. everytime. i do this to myself everytime.
> 
> for the woojin leaving scene, it starts here "In the next moment however, Woojin walks into the kitchen from his room" and ends here "Seungmin can’t answer that question." i do also want to remind readers that i hint heavily at homophobia throughout the fic, as it is canon compliant and so based in South Korea.
> 
> i hope you enjoy reading this because writing in comic sans is truly life-changing.
> 
> EDIT, 07/06/20: added social media links~

if i am to  
feel sure of anything,  
i must learn to feel  
sure of me

– _butterflies rising_

* * *

Seungmin knew it was a stupid decision from the start. From the very moment that he chose to think about and focus on the thump of his heart when Jeongin smiled at him and how his skin warmed when Jeongin touches him. From the very moment that he knew there was a name to the feelings he had every time he so much as thought of Jeongin. From the very moment that he had looked at himself in the mirror with the remnants of spilled pink shampoo under his fingers, sticky on the counter.

Without a doubt, he has a crush on Yang Jeongin.

Seungmin knew it was stupid to have acknowledged this in the first place, but there was little else he could do. There was no point in deluding himself that it wasn’t a crush, that the jump of his heart into his throat and the heat of his cheeks was anything else other than a crush. There is nothing else he can do but accept the fact that he has a crush on Jeongin.

He doesn’t exactly know when his crush started, but he thinks he’s always nursed a softer spot for Jeongin than for anyone else. It also hasn’t helped that Jeongin had finally dyed his hair a shade other than brown or black, and the fresh pink-red from the salon is due to become a more toned down pink by the time they’re ready to shoot the music video for Miroh.

Seungmin grips the edge of the bathroom counter, looks at himself, the dark eye-bags and the pimple threatening to break out on his chin that he’s been fighting a desperate battle with.

“I’ll get over this,” Seungmin says out to himself, confident. His crushes never last long, because he has other things to focus on. School, homework, work, vocals, dances, everything that comes with being an idol. And this time, he thinks, won’t be anything different. He’ll crush on Jeongin for a while, and then he’ll move on and he can laugh about it in the future with no harm done to their friendship.

He’ll be fine. He can hope so.

Except, that is not the case at all.

In between each day that he spends with Jeongin and with each missed beat that his heart forgets, he falls a little harder. With every touch and pat that he gives to Jeongin, his smile becomes a little larger, a little happier, and he falls just that bit more. And when he can’t remember if it’s day or night anymore when he looks at the digital clock, there is Jeongin right there by his side to remind him that he needs to go somewhere else, or to go home and rest for the day.

Seungmin keeps telling himself through all this that he’ll be fine, that this is just a result of them becoming closer with all the time that they must spend together for promotions and work, that he will get over his crush and everything will go back soon.

It doesn’t, and his hope blinds him.

With each and every day that passes, he falls a little more. Finds the corner of Jeongin’s mouth a little lovelier. Finds the sparkle of his eyes under the kitchen lights at one in the morning charming. Finds the eyebags under Jeongin’s eyes painful and the slumped over figure on the dance practice floor heart-wrenching.

As the late winter gives to spring then summer, it is not only the weather that warms, not only the flowers that bloom.

“Still like Jeonginnie?” Hyunjin asks one evening. Seungmin wonders why he ever chose to room with Hyunjin. And Chan and Minho, but that is another question in its entirety.

“Memorise your MC script,” Seungmin says, avoiding the question entirely and going back to his book. Truthfully, he hasn’t been concentrating on his book for the past ten minutes at all because there is a ruckus in the kitchen that sounds like Felix and Jisung causing trouble.

“I have, like five times already. Unless you want me to quiz me about the script, talk to me!”

“I want to read this book,” Seungmin says, waving his book uselessly.

“You haven’t flipped a page for the past few minutes,” Hyunjin says discerningly.

 _Damn_. “It’s too loud outside, do you know what they’re doing?” Seungmin asks, changing the topic entirely. It’s not like he doesn’t want to answer Hyunjin’s first question… he just finds it a bit embarrassing to admit it out loud even though he knows Hyunjin already knows.

“They’re trying to make milkshakes –“ There’s a loud scream from outside that sounds awfully like Jisung, “- and I think you know it isn’t going too well.”

Seungmin sighs, slides a bookmark in between the pages and puts his book away, standing up to go outside to take a look. He would have asked how it was possible to fuck a milkshake up but he’s learned that anything is possible when one is young and overconfident. He had learned the hard way, but had Felix?

“You can’t overfill the ice,” Minho is saying when Seungmin steps into the kitchen, sounding exasperated but amused at the same time. “How many times have I said that since the beginning? And did you listen to me?”

“How was I supposed to know the ice would like, be thrown around the room?” Jisung says shrilly.

Minho stares at him amidst the destruction of the kitchen. “Are you serious? It’s a blender, it _spins_ , Han Jisung. What the hell do you think a blender does?” Calm in the midst of the storm.

“But the lid was _closed_ –“

“That’s why I’m telling you, you can’t overfill it –“

“The lid _popped right off_ –“

“ _I’m_ going to pop off if you keep going on!” Minho hisses.

“Are you going to let all the ice melt until Chan-hyung comes home?” Seungmin interrupts, letting Felix come and hug him, petting his hair softly as Felix groans into his shoulder. “Is this going to become prank time again? Please clean the floor up, someone’s going to trip when the ice melts.”

“Fine, fine,” Jisung grumbles, bending down to pick up the spilled ice cubes. Felix lets go of Seungmin as well, going to help Jisung.

Seungmin approaches the kitchen counter where a messy array of fruits and ice are left, along with a bottle of honey that looks like it’s seen better days. Inside the blender is a pale-yellow gloop. Seungmin didn’t know milkshakes could look suspicious, and yet in front of him this milkshake looks incredibly suspicious.

“Is this… a banana milkshake?” Seungmin asks apprehensively.

“Yes!” Felix says.

“No?” Jisung asks.

Seungmin narrows his eyes at the both of them.

“Obviously,” Hyunjin says, pushing past the both of them to get to the milkshake and taking the container off the machine and pouring the gloop – that is _not_ a milkshake, oh Christ – into two glasses, “this is pineapple.” Hyunjin finishes, having taken a smell of it.

“I thought we used banana?” Felix asks, sounding confused.

“I may have accidentally put pineapple in…?”

“Is that why the blender overfilled?” Minho chimes in, sounding very, very amused now. “You know, Woojin-hyung just told me the rest of the members are coming up the elevator now, you’re not going to be able to hide the evidence.”

“How are you oldest here,” Seungmin mumbles under his breath.

“What?” Minho barks at him.

“Nothing,” Seungmin says innocently, blinking at Minho. “How’s the milkshake, Hyunjinnie?”

“We’re supposed to try it?” Hyunjin asks, apprehensive.

Jisung’s puppy eyes do not work. Hyunjin finally takes a sip only because Felix had locked eyes with him and blinked twice, almost watery. The liquid touches Hyunjin’s lips for a few very long seconds before Hyunjin actually takes a sip, and when he does, he has to go back for more. Not out of delight though, Seungmin judges by the expression on Hyunjin’s face.

“Is it good?” Felix asks.

Hyunjin makes a face. “I – why does this have pieces of… things in it? Is this… fruit skin? What?” He’s chewing hesitantly, like he isn’t quite sure what he’s eating, and Seungmin snatches the milkshake from his hands.

Most of the time, Kim Seungmin is logical, and he’s smart. He knows when pranks are being played on him and he knows how to solve problems on the get-go. Sometimes, however, his neurones or something must cross-paths and something gets mixed up, because instead of throwing the milkshake out into the sink and telling them to start cleaning up, he drains the rest of the milkshake and throws the (plastic) glass at Jisung.

“Min, what the fuck?” Jisung screeches.

Right at the very moment, the front door opens and the rest of their group files into the dorm.

“… What’s going on?” Chan asks apprehensively, stopping dead in the entrance to the kitchen.

There is three seconds of prolonged, excruciating silence, then Seungmin starts choking on what he thinks is a bit of banana skin and skids over to the kitchen sink. He spits the rest of the milkshake into the sink, coughing his lungs out as Hyunjin frantically thumps his back, yelling murder at Jisung, who’s waving the glass around like a sword.

“Seungmin-hyung?” Someone says behind him, but Seungmin doesn’t hear anything – or anyone - at all. There are tears in his eyes from coughing so hard and _fuck_ , he’s going to die from _choking on a bit of banana skin in a shitty banana-pineapple milkshake_. He doesn’t get longer to dwell on the circumstances of his seemingly imminent death because someone touches the back of his neck and hands him a glass of water that he gulps down, throat burning.

“Who gave him the milkshake?”

“He drank it by himself!”

“… Really?”

“Yeah, he did. He took it out of my hands, but I have no idea why he downed it though.”

“Stop doing stupid things then, hyung. Seungmin-hyung doesn’t need to put up with your shit –“

“Language, Innie!”

“- all the time.”

“Stop arguing please, I’m dying here,” Seungmin croaks out, bent over in half over the kitchen sink and still feeling like his throat is ripped to shreds. His head is a little light, but he’s able to stand up after a minute or two. He turns around to find that the kitchen has been cleaned with Chan having corralled most of them out, and it’s just Woojin and Jeongin left in the kitchen with him.

“Are you okay?” Woojin asks concernedly, filling up another glass of water for Seungmin and passing it to him. “What did you eat?”

“The milkshake had… pieces inside,” Seungmin says. His throat is still scratchy, and his voice sounds terrible. He winces and hopes his voice is okay by tomorrow, or his vocal coach is going to spear him through with a microphone stand.

“Why did you drink it then,” Jeongin chides gently. He reaches up to clasp a soft hand around Seungmin’s wrist to stop him from drinking the water too fast, and then Seungmin does choke again for real, thrown off by the unexpected touch.

“I – I’m fine,” Seungmin assures them. “I just – I wasn’t thinking properly.”

And he wasn’t. He still isn’t, because his mind keeps looping back to how Jeongin held his wrist like that, touch entirely too soft and expression too gentle. Jeongin has never really initiated any kind of skinship with any one of them… Seungmin refuses to think about what that touch might mean.

 _It’s just to stop me from drinking too fast_ , Seungmin reasons, _there’s nothing else to it. He was just worried about me, that’s all_.

Seungmin doesn’t have much spare time to think about Jeongin and his touch. They start preparing for their next mini album after Miroh, and everyone starts going through the rounds of hair dyeing again. The running joke is that he’ll have brown hair for the rest of their careers, but even he isn’t spared the dyeing process – his just gets bleached a little and dyed a different brown.

“Golden honey caramel,” Felix murmurs, reading the box of hair dye when Seungmin’s hairstylist leaves for a moment to get something. “How pretentious. It’s just brown.”

Seungmin snorts with laughter, and then says, “How could you think I was laughing, noona? I love my brown hair.” He doesn’t catch Felix’s eye in the mirror for fear of laughing.

Jeongin’s pink hair fades out, and the hairstylists bleach it again, bringing it back to a darker shade of blonde that suits Jeongin really well. Too well, Seungmin thinks, because Jisung had caught him blushing in the two-hour span after Jeongin had dyed his hair, and started a whispered onslaught of teasing that culminated in Seungmin ignoring Jisung entirely, mouth pressed thin and cheeks rosy.

“Have you ever thought about confessing to him?” Chan asks him one late afternoon.

Seungmin’s just finished recording for the day, and he had been juggling between going to the dance practice room or going to have dinner first. Now, he stands up straight, grappling with what Chan’s just said.

“Wh… hyung? Why – why did you say that?”

Chan smiles, but there is something knowing in his eyes. “I just thought you might have had long enough to think about it. You’ve liked Jeonginnie for months now, I think you know the depths of your feelings.”

Seungmin swallows at that, sits down on the couch and thinks about how he wants to say this. “I mean… yeah, I’ve liked him for a while but… I didn’t think about doing anything. I just – I just thought the feelings would go away after some time.”

Chan waits, smiling at Seungmin. Encouraging.

“It hasn’t,” Seungmin admits in a whisper. “I thought – I’ve never liked anyone for so long and – and the feelings usually go away.” He bends his head, spreads his palms over his thighs and stares at his hands, unseeing. “I didn’t think I would still like him. I don’t – I don’t know if I should do anything.”

“Do something that you want to, Seungminnie,” Chan advises, studiously ignoring the barrage of notifications he’s getting from his phone. “Do you want to move on, or do you want to see where this goes?” He pauses, glances at his computer screen, then adds, “I don’t want to hurry you about this, but it might be better to get this over with between the two of you if it’s going to become awkward. We have a lot of schedules until the end of the year… I don’t want you to suffer until the end.”

Seungmin nods. Looks at Chan properly, then nods again. “I’ll think about it hyung, don’t worry. I’ll go to dance practice now.”

“Don’t stress about it too much if you can, Minnie,” Chan calls out as a last piece of advice. The nickname catches Seungmin’s attention; Chan really must be worried about him.

“I won’t. See you, hyungie.”

The rest of the day doesn’t really give him chance to think about what Chan tells him. He’s pulled into dance practice as soon as he steps into the studio, their dance instructor running them through the moves again and again.

It’s even more challenging this time because they’re using backup dancers in their choreography for the title track, and the dance seems more like an art performance than just a dance alone. Maybe that’s why he’s struggling a little with his expressions, not just the choreography itself. And it’s Felix who pulls through, slowly teaches him every move and how he should execute it. He gets pointers from Minho and Hyunjin as well, but they’re also busy teaching the other members in between learning the rest of the choreography themselves.

Like this, Seungmin doesn’t even get enough time to breathe, let alone think about Jeongin.

But, sometimes, he does. In the three seconds when they catch each other’s eye in the dance practice room mirror. When they bump into each other in the dorm kitchen at two in the morning. The one hour they get when they’re eating together in a corner of the company cafeteria.

At those times, Seungmin’s mind latches on to what Chan has told him. Thinks about it seriously.

The day that Side Effects is slated to release, Seungmin makes a decision with himself. He thinks that for the sake of their group, for the sake of their success, for the sake of _his family_ , he’ll confess. Confess and apologise and move on and finally be able to look at Jeongin just as a friend and nothing more.

Seungmin doesn’t know where to start, but he also doesn’t know who to turn to.

Minho, with his straightforward but sincere ways? Chan, with his warm heart and warmer advice? Jisung, greasy but well-intentioned? Hyunjin, charming and clumsy in equal measures? Or any other member of his group who will probably give him just as sound advice?

Seungmin doesn’t know what to do – but he does know that what he does should be from himself.

Yet, as of right now, he doesn’t quite know if he wants to confess so he can move on, or if he wants to confess with the hopes that Jeongin might reciprocate his feelings. Personally, he wants to make up his mind before he confesses, because he’ll probably confess with different words depending on what his feelings are.

There is a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts and feelings that Seungmin is battling with himself as they prepare for their first music show stage, and he guesses it translates well to the song.

 _My head hurts indeed_ , Seungmin thinks wryly as they go backstage after finishing their performance, sweating but trying not to ruin his stage outfit. What was he supposed to do? He’s never had a crush lasting this long with feelings of this gravity, and he feels like he’s treading in water that is just a little too deep to be comfortable.

There is no time for asking, or for advice.

Promotions come and go in a whirlwind, appearances on variety shows, various vlives that they participate in, the everyday chaos of dorm life, preparations for the next album already underway – and that leaves Seungmin with just slivers of seconds to think about what he wants to do. Already, he thinks he’s left it for too long. He’s been acting a little weirdly around Jeongin for a few weeks now, jumpy, a little nervous and laughing a little too much at whatever Jeongin says.

It doesn’t bode well for hiding his emotions, but also his reputation.

“You’re not gonna get caught,” Minho says without prompting one early morning when he finds Seungmin staring into his bowl of cereal after laughing because Jeongin making a terrible pun. “All of us find Jeonginnie funny and cute, don’t think too much about it.” He pats Seungmin’s head gently, a smile on his face, and it is at times like this that Seungmin remembers Minho really is his hyung.

In the next moment however, Woojin walks into the kitchen from his room. Curiously, Minho drops his hand and shuffles out of the kitchen without a word or a greeting, brushing by past Woojin so fast that Seungmin is left staring at Woojin instead.

And Woojin – doesn’t say anything. He just directs a small smile at Seungmin and gets a glass of water, something from the fridge, and he’s out of the kitchen again in a flash. For the first time in a while, something else stirs the uneasy feeling in his chest other than his predicament about Jeongin.

Seungmin is right to have been troubled by the interaction that morning.

In the following week, they should have all been thrilled by the reaction to Double Knot, how fast the views are racking up, how Stays on Twitter are gushing about it. It’s a far more positive reaction compared to Side Effects, and it gives them the confidence to forge ahead. The promotions are due to start, and usually they all are immersed in finalising the choreography, making sure they will show their best performance on stage… but something is wrong.

In the first two weeks or so of promotions, it seems like the hyungs are desperately trying to hide something from them, keeping the 00-liners and Jeongin apart from themselves. They stop talking when one of them walks in, there’s an odd tension between them at the dorm; Seungmin’s accidentally walked in on them, arguing in hushed undertones at midnight in the studio, like they think the cover of the night will make them invisible.

Still, it is not enough because they are Stray Kids, they are nine and they are always together and they are _family_ so nothing is kept secret and Seungmin doesn’t think it’s anything that serious except in the end –

“Woojin is leaving,” Chan says, voice tight but hoarse at the same time like he’s been crying and talking for hours on end. He doesn’t look up at them when he says this, staring at somewhere on the dinner table, and the hubbub of the amiable dinner stops almost immediately.

The silence stretches.

It goes on, and on, and on, and on, and suddenly it feels like there is not enough air in the living room. The meaning of the three words takes too long for Seungmin to digest, and he parses the meaning of each word, rolls it over in his throat and puts them back together except now they fit together like broken glass pieces and the glass scratches his throat when he swallows, brings it to his eyes where they gather, crystalline.

“I’m sorry,” Woojin says next into the too-long silence, and he too, isn’t looking at anyone.

Seungmin doesn’t – cannot – _won’t_ believe this. His eyes dart all over the room. Where are the cameras? Whose birthday is coming, what variety show are they slated to be on? This must be a prank.

It must be. _It must be_.

To what extent could he have predicted this was coming? Sure he knew – they all knew – that something was up with the hyungs, but they merely thought they were solving some disagreement, some misunderstanding – not - not _this_.

There is no surprise on Minho or Changbin’s faces. There is only grim acceptance, disappointment, anger and sadness etched into their too-young faces, and suddenly the world that Seungmin thought was permanent and invincible breaks down around him without a word, without a crack.

“When…?” Jisung asks quietly.

“I’m going by next week,” Woojin says. Clips it out with such a steady voice that Seungmin would have believed he didn’t care if he wasn’t looking at Woojin whose eyes already red and voice already ruined from crying. “I’m… sorry.”

Seungmin thought he would never experience this heartbreak again. He really, truly didn’t. It feels exactly like when Minho and Felix were taken away from them, but this feels even more painful for some reason. Maybe it’s because Woojin is not being taken away from them. He’s walking away from them.

As he watches Woojin stutter around them like an invisible barrier has already been erected between them, Seungmin wonders how Stray Kids has become more than just words to him. Some bitter, resentful part of him is strongest and loudest now, and it wishes for longer than it should that he never knew what Stray Kids ever meant.

Seungmin closes his eyes and lets his family break into pieces all over again. This time, for good.

* * *

There is a lot of work to do in the weeks following Woojin’s departure.

Sure, there are the songs to rearrange, the concerts to reschedule, the comebacks to delay and the choreography to rework. This is his job, and it helps because Seungmin can treat it as a chance to just rerecord his vocals without much thinking, a chance to improve on his dancing, more time to piece themselves together.

But there are other things too.

Like if he should rename Woojin’s contact in his phone. If they should still keep him in the group chat. If he will ever hear the phrase _nine or none_ and remember only good things.

Perhaps his devastation doesn’t even compare to their fans. He was silent in his shock and sadness, but their fans are vocal. Maybe that is the hardest thing of all, how they are taking this. How are they supposed to make their fans feel better when they themselves are…?

Seungmin can’t answer that question.

Every other thought has been wiped out from his brain. Like a trainee once more, he lives each day only from dawn to dusk and then a few more hours until the artificial stars of Seoul burn into his eyes. He breathes in pain and lets out sadness, wishes that with each breath he takes he can forget a little more, because that is the easy choice.

Reality is still the harshest after all, Seungmin thinks bitterly one night. He’s just finished rerecording some lines that belonged to – him – and he’s too tired to put up a barrier against his thoughts, the resentful, sad, angry ones. The ones that want to make him lash out, pull him by the collar and ask why he’s done this to them after everything they’ve been through together.

No fan-vote will bring him back. No finale episode will see them reunited. There is no emcee and no edited-over music.

Reality is staring at the empty bunk bed knowing that the last can of his favourite drink is in their rubbish can and that some of his clothes are still in the wash. Reality has no cameras on them but it feels like he’s stripped naked anyway, hurting so much that he bleeds memories, not blood.

For a while, everything reminds them of him. Breathing becomes painful. Waking up is harder than they could ever possibly imagine. It is easy to rerecord lines, replace the empty spot in a dance, push back the comeback date. It is less easy to fill the missing person in their line, patch over the bleeding empty of their chest, push back against the deluge of thoughts formed from their own brain.

In a way, Stray Kids has also never meant more to Seungmin.

He doesn’t think he’s held onto their hands as much, that he’s cried as much or seen them cry as much in return. His heart might be bleeding but so are theirs and there is another unspoken promise that they will take care of each other’s heart, that they will repair the fragility into strength and happiness again.

All wounds heal with time, and so does this one.

For all the difficulty that they go through, for all the words that they cannot say out to loud to each other, for all that they stumble through the darkness for, light and happiness and peace becomes all that more precious and dearer. He learns to treasure when the sun shines and can only hope that in the future he won’t need to hide his face in the rain.

Even so, it is the paper cuts that hurt the most sometimes. A casual mention of his name by one of their staff; a tweet that mentions him when they do menpas on Twitter; a whisper of his voice when one of them does something silly that earns them a scolding from Chan. His reactions still remain the same – he laughs, wants to share it, wants to find him, wants to share the laughter – until he remembers.

It is like he relives that one moment all over again in three micro-seconds, the expressions and feelings condensed into less than a moment’s thought, and then he remembers to breathe again, keeps on scrolling.

With everything that has happened, Seungmin forgets what he was planning to do all that time ago. He forgets that he had made a decision with himself about wanting to confess his feelings to Jeongin since the last album – until Jisung talks to him.

“Hey,” Jisung says when Seungmin comes into his studio to record some lines for yet another song. One of these days Seungmin thinks he’ll sing the wrong lyrics for the wrong song.

“Hey,” Seungmin murmurs. It’s just after lunch, but he’s already a little sleepy and he’s thinking of after the recording session when he might have some time to take a nap before the evening dance practice session starts.

“So, you don’t actually have anything to record,” Jisung starts.

Seungmin blinks at him. Looks down at the paper in hand for the lyrics of a song he doesn’t know yet and squints at the lyrics. “This… what is this?”

“What? That should just be a copy the lyrics for Sunshine…” Jisung leans over, peers at the sheet then snatches it out of Seungmin’s hand. “Wrong lyrics, sorry! Forget you saw any of that, Changbin-hyung isn’t ready for that song to be recorded yet…”

“Then can I go, or do you need something?” Seungmin asks, befuddled. Why would Jisung ask for a recording session then back out?

“I… wanted to ask you how it’s going with Jeonginnie,” Jisung admits, sitting down in the chair. Slowly, Seungmin sits down on the couch, feels like he’s repeating the same conversation with Chan.

“Why are you asking?” Seungmin eventually says. “I haven’t… I haven’t thought of that since – since you know…”

Jisung pauses, like he’s wondering how to put his thoughts into words, then speaks. “I was wondering because I know you like Jeongin, and that you were thinking of confessing but you haven’t done anything.”

“Am I that obvious?” Seungmin asks, laughing a little dryly. “I don’t think I need to confess then, he should already know.”

“No,” Jisung says, shaking his head. “I think it was obvious to me because you and I were acting similarly. I confessed to Minho-hyung a few weeks ago,” Jisung says, like they’re discussing the weather.

Seungmin goes slack-jawed, staring at Jisung with wide eyes.

“Oh, stop that. You look hideous,” Jisung sighs, throwing a cushion at Seungmin’s face.

Seungmin evades it, takes the cushion and cuddles it, closes his mouth and tries to regain his vocalising abilities. “I… I – what? You confessed – you liked Minho-hyung? Since when? What did he say? Han Jisung, _what the fuck_!”

“You didn’t know?” Jisung squawks, indignant, “And everyone told me I was being stupid obvious! How dare they?”

“Who is ‘they’?”

“Well… just Chan-hyung and Changbin-hyung,” Jisung admits sheepishly. “Maybe not everyone. But to answer you – I’ve liked Minho-hyung since… well it’s been a long time, maybe since debut? I’m not sure. And he said yes, for your information.”

“Yes?” Seungmin asks, wondering how someone says yes to a confession.

“Yes, as in I asked him out and he said yes,” Jisung clarifies, and the tips of his ears are burning.

“Get out of here,” Seungmin cries, throwing the cushion back at Jisung. “You’re serious?”

Jisung nods, a bashful smile on his face.

Seungmin can’t help the smile on his face, the happiness in his chest swelling, glowing bright. “Congratulations! That’s amazing! So, you’re dating now?” The words taste strange, feel unfamiliar on his lips and curl on his tongue weirdly; he never thought he’d say these words, but here he was.

“No we are _not_ ,” Jisung hisses. “We are not _dating_ , if anyone asks you.” Jisung stares at Seungmin, hard, then Seungmin realises what he’s talking about.

“Jisung, we’re an idol group in South Korea, if that isn’t stopping you then a dating ban isn’t going to stop you,” Seungmin says, but he lowers his voice as well. Afraid.

“Better to be safe than to be found out,” Jisung says grimly. Then he breaks out into a smile, soft with love and for the first time Seungmin wonders how he never knew Jisung was so in love with Minho. “Still, I’m happy. I didn’t think it would work out… and yet, I have a boyfriend,” Jisung says, and the way he says it is so light with happiness that Seungmin smiles too, so incredibly happy for him.

“I’m happy for you,” Seungmin says, sincere.

“Thank you… but I didn’t call you here to talk about me,” Jisung says, sitting up straight.

“Oh, really? You talk about yourself all the time, I didn’t notice,” Seungmin snipes, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Kim Seungmin, you listen to me!” Jisung says, indignant, then settles into a lower voice, the same voice he uses when they’re discussing music. The Serious voice, as Minho once put it. Seungmin thought he was jesting, but then the light in his eyes wasn’t from mirth – it was from appreciation and love, and he’s only just realised that.

“What?”

“What are you planning to do about Jeongin?”

Seungmin sighs, deep from his bones. Spreads his fingers over his thighs again like he did last time and turns them over, wishes the lines of his palm would tell him something.

“I… don’t know. I was thinking about it during the last album but then we got… busy.” He laughs, just a shadow of the hollowness in his chest shows through, and swallows it back down. “I don’t – I don’t know if I want to confess and move on, or if I want to be like you. To confess with hopes that he likes me back.”

“Actually, I didn’t confess with anything in mind,” Jisung says slowly into the silence that stretches after Seungmin’s words. “I just wanted to confess because I felt that he deserved to know. I just – wanted him to know that… that he’s loved,” Jisung says, cheeks rosy. “You probably don’t wanna hear all of it, but that was just my intention. It turned out that he liked me back as well, and we went from there.”

Seungmin pauses, thinks about that. “You… just confessed?”

Jisung nods, still a little flustered. “Yeah. I thought – once I confess, if my feelings fade, that’s great. If I got a positive response, that would be even better. And… well, even if I was rejected, I was sure we wouldn’t lose our friendship because we’re – well, we’re close.”

Seungmin bites his bottom lip, considers all of what Jisung’s just said.

“I’ll think about it,” Seungmin finally acquiesces. “I’ll have to do something soon anyway, I don’t think I can hide it any longer.”

There is much to think about after he leaves Jisung’s studio. Even more to observe between Minho and Jisung.

During dance practice later that evening, Seungmin watches them a little out of the corner of his eye. Watches Jisung catch Minho’s wrist and pull him in closer to whisper something in his ear. Watches a little longer until Jisung kisses the lobe of Minho’s ear so that Minho blushes pink and he fits into Jisung’s arms perfectly.

Seungmin looks away. He must afford them this piece of privacy.

His heart is beating out of his chest as he thinks about what he wants to do now. He looks up into the dance practice mirror, sweaty and red-faced and sees Jeongin in the reflection, hair pink and matted to his forehead. It’s like when they promoted Miroh all over again, and Seungmin looks away when Jeongin catches his gaze, afraid that his heart will thud out of his throat into his mouth.

Afraid that Jeongin will see through him. Afraid that his feelings will be bare for the whole world to see. Afraid that he’ll wake up to tabloids one day dissecting his each and every movement and finding out that he’s in love with Jeongin.

Seungmin closes his eyes, leans back against the practice room wall and wishes he could breathe for a moment.

This is his life as an idol then. Living half a life. _Afraid._

* * *

Seungmin spends three days and twenty-five minutes thinking about what he should do. He knows it to the exact moment because it is at 3.25 am when Jisung kisses Minho on a Saturday morning in the dance practice studio, and Seungmin suddenly realises what he’s feeling.

 _I want what they have_ , Seungmin thinks to himself, the thought formed from sleep and exhaustion, and then nearly drops his phone when he realises what he’s just thought about. He sighs, leans against the practice room wall and closes his eyes, pretends he’s tired from the never-ending dance practice session.

“Hyung?”

Seungmin opens his eyes again, not even having a second to himself. “Ah, Jeonginnie?”

“You looked tired,” Jeongin says, offering him a bottle of sikhye. “Sorry, this was all the vending machine had apart from espresso… I didn’t think you’d want espresso at this time.” He sits down beside Seungmin, shoulders touching, and Seungmin tries not to feel like all of his nerves have converged in that one spot where they’re pressed together.

“No, it’s fine. Thank you,” Seungmin says, accepting the drink gratefully and hoping that his guard won’t be down due to his lack of sleep.

Unconsciously, his eyes drift over all the members as he downs half of the sikhye in one go. Hyunjin and Felix seem to be discussing a point about the choreography and are completely absorbed in it. Changbin’s going over parts of the dance by himself, and Chan’s staring at his laptop screen, brow furrowed in a way that tells Seungmin he’s having some trouble with a song. Minho and Jisung are in their own world, giggling between themselves, fingers tangled together for the whole world to see.

Slowly, Seungmin looks down at the gap between his and Jeongin’s body. Looks at how their hands, lying side-by-side, are almost touching. Looks back up at Minho and Jisung and back at their hands and wonders if he can tell Jeongin likes him just by his reaction to skinship.

 _Surely, it couldn’t hurt…?_ Seungmin thinks to himself, and presses his lips together, tasting the sikhye.

His eyes dart over to where Jeongin is leaning back against the wall, eyes closed and looking absolutely exhausted. For a moment, Seungmin is so taken over by the worry he feels, even though he knows that this is what comes with being an idol, and he’s going through it himself. The worry beats in his chest, one, two, and then it bursts up into his mouth, lingers like the taste of alcohol and he’s moving before his mind can process it.

“You look tired,” Seungmin murmurs, tugging at Jeongin’s arm. “Do you wanna rest? There’s another 10 minutes of break.”

Jeongin looks at him. “You don’t mind, hyung?”

Seungmin shakes his head, hopes he doesn’t look flushed. “Really.”

Jeongin smiles at him, says a quiet _thank you_ that Seungmin only really hears because they’re so close together. He leans down into the crook of Seungmin’s shoulder and neck and settles there, closes his eyes. Like this, their sides are pressed into each other, and Jeongin’s arm has found its way under his own.

Hesitating, Seungmin wonders where he should put his own arm, then decides he shouldn’t think too much about it. He rests his arm back down and closes his own eyes, leaning against the top of Jeongin’s head.

 _This is nice_ , Seungmin remembers thinking. He must have fallen asleep fast, lulled by exhaustion and the sikhye so he doesn’t hear how the other members coo at their two maknaes fast asleep all pressed up against each other. He doesn’t hear Jeongin’s embarrassed groan when he wakes up first and sees their hyungs grinning at them. He doesn’t hear Jeongin telling them to be quiet so that he can sleep a bit more, doesn’t feel how Jeongin sits up instead and curls an arm around his shoulders so that he’s the one leaning into Jeongin now.

Doesn’t hear or feel or remember any of that.

When Seungmin does eventually wake up, it’s because Minho shakes him awake. Jeongin is no longer by his side, but he doesn’t feel the loss because he’s not fully awake yet.

“Wh…?” Seungmin mumbles.

“Time to go home,” Minho says softly, pinching Seungmin’s cheek gently. “We’ve had enough practice today, we should all rest.”

“’Kay,” Seungmin says, nodding, and accepts Minho’s help to stand up. Sleeping cross-legged has left his legs a little wobbly, pins and needles pricking at his skin so he leans on Minho and they walk out together, voices hushed for the odd time of the morning.

“There’s just the last part of Levanter that we need to work on,” Minho says quietly, walking out to their company van. “We’ll do that the day after. Chan-hyung said he wants to do some recording tomorrow so we’ll have to be on standby.”

“That’s fine,” Seungmin says. “I was thinking of arranging something for a song so it’ll be good to use tomorrow’s time to figure that out.”

Minho lights up at that. “Oh! Are you releasing a cover? Or on Player?”

“It’s just a cover,” Seungmin says shyly, wringing his hands together as they leave the company building and step out into the cool night air. “There’s gonna be a new section on the channel for covers… I think it’s gonna be called Record. Are you preparing anything for Player, hyung?”

“I don’t think so,” Minho says, squinting to see where their manager parked the van, “I’m gonna wait until Hyunjinnie and Yongbokkie release their own Players then see what I’ll do.” He laughs a little, voice carrying in the wind. “Dawn was released so long ago, it’s time you guys start Player or Record.”

“Dawn was really so good,” Seungmin says as they enter the van. It’s just Changbin, Hyunjin and Felix in the car. They’re all asleep and their manager gives them a nod from the driver’s seat. “It was so cool, hyung, your choreography is… wow.”

“It’s okay,” Minho says. He’s acting cool but Seungmin can tell he’s pleased, flushed at the ears and voice tipped a little higher than his usual sweet pitch.

“What’s okay?” Jisung chimes in, and he’s climbing into the van as well, followed by Chan and Jeongin. Chan sits in the front with their manager, and Seungmin switches seats with Jisung to allow the couple to sit together – and also means that he sits with Jeongin.

“Nothing, just talking about Player,” Minho says, and their conversation dissolves into hushed whispers, not wanting to wake the sleeping trio in the back.

“Player?” Jeongin asks, looking over at Seungmin as he buckles his seatbelt.

“No, I’m not releasing anything on Player,” Seungmin starts, “but I might on Record. It’s a new section on the channel for covers.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” Jeongin says, voice lilting high in excitement, then tones it down several scales when he remembers what the time is. Their manager starts the van and then they’re speeding down the barren streets of Seoul at four in the morning. “What songs are you covering?”

“That’s a secret,” Seungmin says, teasing.

“Fine, keep it then,” Jeongin says, just as much tease in his voice, but then he yawns half a beat later. “’M gonna sleep for a while, hyungie.”

“I’ll wake you up,” Seungmin says, and he’s rewarded with Jeongin’s bright, bright smile before he’s closing his eyes and leaning back against the headrest of the seat. It’s a smile that’s far too bright for the darkened streets and Seungmin tries his best not to focus on the sudden flutter of his heart.

Like this, amongst the quietness of the breach between night and morning, Seungmin thoughts drift back to what he was thinking about just an hour previously. Jisung and Minho, holding hands in the corner of the dance practice room and sharing a smile that are meant for each other’s eyes only. His own hand, two inches away from Jeongin’s – and then later, when their hands are tangled together as they sleep, heat keeping him drowsy and comfortable.

And now – looking over at Jeongin who is already falling asleep, head moving with the motion of the van and the bumps of the road.

For one moment, Seungmin tries to imagine what it would be like if he confessed. Would Jeongin smile, laugh, think it was just another sign of affection? Or would he realise the truth? Then – would he reject him, or ask him why? From somewhere deep in Seungmin’s chest, there is a small voice that asks _what if he said he liked you too_ and the voice grows louder, loud until it’s all Seungmin can think about and then all of the scenarios in his head turn to –

 _Jeongin looking at him and smiling at him with that same bright smile and saying “I like you too, hyung,”_ and Seungmin has to shake himself, pinch his arm and bring himself back to reality.

‘ _It’s not likely to happen_ ,’ Seungmin tells himself, tearing his eyes away from Jeongin and staring resolutely out the window into the indistinguishable darkness. He ends up staring at his own reflection. ‘ _If I confess it’s not going to be like that, stop thinking about it_!’

Yet, the voice in his chest wonders about it. Loud. Asks him _what if_ and _why not_.

‘ _Because it won’t_ ,’ Seungmin tells himself, ‘ _because we are idols and we are both men and these feelings will disappear soon and I don’t want to let the group down_.’

 _Have Jisung and Minho let the group down_? The voice asks him, persistent and annoying, _Are they not idols, and men too? If they can happen, if they can find happiness too, why not us?_

Seungmin sighs, something deep in his chest that is exhaustion that has been kept in him for too long. Leans his head against the window and wonders what he wants to do now. The voice is tireless, dogging him down the whole ride back to the dorm.

It is the first thing that comes to his mind in the morning, the last thing before he passes out the next day at five in the morning. It appears at the edge of his mind when he sees Jeongin, the tip of his tongue when Jeongin talks to him, the periphery of his vision when Jeongin moves. It reminds him constantly of his feelings, of his crush, of his _inability_ to do anything, and finally – he gives up.

 _I’ll confess_ , Seungmin thinks to himself as he prepares to record an OST – the names have all blurred together and he hopes he doesn’t sing the wrong lyrics to the wrong rhythm. _I’ll confess next month and then it’ll all be over_.

It is a quick, fleeting promise for what seems to have been weeks and months of thought – but Seungmin’s own mind holds him steadfast to it. It’s the only thing he can think of for the rest of the day despite his best efforts to concentrate on work, and he decides that night in bed that he should actually come up with a plan on how to confess.

 _Maybe I should actually try to figure out if he likes me back_ , Seungmin thinks as he stares up at the darkness of the ceiling. _How do I do that…?_

Faintly, his tired, tired mind thinks back to Minho and Jisung and the way they touch each other. The easy, casual but intimate touches – the hand holding, the arm around the shoulders and the hand on the back of the neck. The enthusiastic hugs and piggy backing.

 _Could I find out by skinship_?

It doesn’t occur to Seungmin in those moments between lucidity and sleep that Jeongin _does not_ really like skinship. The thought certainly doesn’t present itself even when he wakes up just a couple hours later – and maybe because he’s used to Jeongin playing around, joking with them and pushing them away.

Seungmin doesn’t remember any of this.

It takes a lot of courage for him to even take the first step. Unlike his usual motives of skinship – which is to tease and to make Jeongin laugh – he tries skinship with a different motive in mind. Obviously to him, if Jeongin reacts well to his skinship, it must mean that he doesn’t mind Seungmin, and if he doesn’t mind even more intimate forms of skinship or even goes as far as to reciprocate it, it should mean that there is a higher chance he returns Seungmin’s feelings.

Yes, Seungmin is approaching this in an understandable, logical way. As one does.

So, when he takes the first step, just linking arms with Jeongin as they walk towards the recording studio the next afternoon, his heart is already threatening to beat out of his chest. It’s not his crush, but also nerves and butterflies and the constant thought of _what if he actually shoves me off_? that is making him so jumpy. An apology is already ready on his lips for when Jeongin shoves him away, but Jeongin… doesn’t say anything.

In fact, if Seungmin isn’t deluding himself, he actually feels Jeongin pull him closer so their sides are pressed together as well.

 _Oh_ , Seungmin thinks faintly, nothing else present in his mind. Then, the next thought – _this is nice_. And then he has to stop thinking before he starts thinking about holding hands with Jeongin because he thinks his ears are already burning.

When they reach Chan’s studio, Seungmin expects Jeongin to let go, but Jeongin just pushes in first, still holding Seungmin’s arm – so Seungmin goes along with it, refusing to meet Chan’s teasing gaze. He’s sure the heat has already built in his cheeks so he heads into the recording booth first, staring resolutely at the lyrics as Chan gives him instructions from outside.

It’s this that gives Seungmin courage.

Jeongin didn’t shove him off – and he even pulled him closer, if he wasn’t wrong. Which must mean that Jeongin, at the very least, did not mind having Seungmin that close to him. He tries not to let this get to his head, but it proves rather difficult when he’s half in love with the person at subject.

Seungmin thinks he should up the ante slowly. He wants Jeongin to feel comfortable after all – finding out if Jeongin likes him or not is something that he will conveniently gain during the process. He’d rather never confess than to make Jeongin even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

It is therefore, with this in mind, that Seungmin makes his next move a week later.

They’re just at the dorm, relaxing for a few days while the final album preparations are made. After this there would be very little rest, so their manager had wrung a few arms and somehow gotten them a whole three days’ worth of doing nothing before they started schedules again. Right now, most of the members are at the gym or out at a café, and it’s just him, Jeongin, and Felix left in the dorm.

Felix is playing computer games, and Seungmin is hungry. It’s three in the afternoon and a weird time to be hungry, but Seungmin has learned not to question hunger pangs.

Shuffling out to the kitchen, he’s intending on cooking some ramyeon maybe, or seeing whatever is in their fridge that can be made quickly – except Jeongin’s already stirring something in a pot.

“Jeonginnie?” Seungmin calls, coming into the kitchen.

“Hyung,” Jeongin acknowledges, looking up briefly before very quickly redirecting his gaze back to the soup.

“Are you afraid it’ll overboil?” Seungmin asks amusedly, coming to stand behind Jeongin. Without thinking, he rests his chin on Jeongin’s shoulder and wraps his arms around Jeongin’s waist. “You just need to –“

“Ah!” Jeongin squeaks, and elbows Seungmin’s stomach accidentally. “Oh – sorry hyung. Don’t touch me.”

“Oh – sorry,” Seungmin murmurs and leaves Jeongin, goes to the fridge instead. “What are you cooking?” He asks, keeping his voice as steady as possible.

“Just some ramyeon,” Jeongin says. The words _do you want some hyung? I made too much_ is on his lips but then Seungmin is brushing past him, out into the living room and back into his own room.

“I’m gonna go out,” Seungmin says, voice sounding faraway. “I’ll go to the convenience store.” He reappears in half a minute and his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Eat well, Jeonginnie.” Then he disappears and Jeongin is left to listen to the close of the door and the shuffle of steps down the hallway.

Bemused, he stares into the boiling water. Wonders what he did wrong for Seungmin to react like that. Tries not to think about how his heart, once high in his throat, is now deep in his stomach.

Suddenly, the ramyeon doesn’t seem all that appetising after all. (he wishes seungmin was here.)

* * *

_Don’t be so sensitive_ , Seungmin tells himself as he browses the shelves of the convenience store for something he might be able to stomach. _He was just busy, of course he wouldn’t like to be disturbed._ Then, another thought – _really, I’m an idiot for just acting like that without thinking._

It makes him pause in his tracks, hand frozen as he’s reaching for a strawberry milk.

“Stop thinking like that,” Seungmin says to himself under his breath, and grabs two cartons of strawberry milk. He takes a bowl of ramyeon and two sausages and pays for his lot, goes to sit in the small section for eating and prepares his food on autopilot.

Should he stop with this skinship nonsense? It seems like he’s already bothered Jeongin and he’s barely started… but then should he just confess blindly without knowing how Jeongin feels? What if he makes Jeongin feel burdened, or worse, he loses Jeongin’s trust?

Jeongin’s reaction to his innocent back-hug was already so severe, and Seungmin still feels his stomach hurting a bit from the accidental elbow to it. Based on just this time, he thinks Jeongin won’t like any more skinship – but is it just with him?

Seungmin bites his lip, tears open the sausage wrapping. He hasn’t really noticed Jeongin and his interactions with the other members of their group – why would he need to? But now, he’s wracking his brain for moments when they have hugged Jeongin… perhaps his memory is faulty, but it seems like all he remembers is Jeongin relenting into their skinship and returning it, however grudgingly.

Yet, just now…

The thought that maybe Jeongin reacted so strongly is _because of him_ occurs to Seungmin two beats later. Did Jeongin react like this because it was him that gave the hug? Then why would Jeongin have pulled him closer just a week earlier when they were linking arms? Or was that just Seungmin over-analysing things?

 _I’m over-analysing right now!_ Seungmin thinks to himself, somewhat hysterical, and stares into the depth of the orange noodles like he hopes it will give him the answers to his love crisis.

Deciding to put that dilemma away for now, Seungmin concentrates on eating, hoping that maybe once he’s full he won’t be over-thinking like he was. He saves one box of strawberry milk for the walk back to the dorm, and chews on the straw once he’s on his way back. Even after the meal, he still isn’t sure what he should do about Jeongin, even though the most logical thought is to simply _confess_ and get it done with.

Truth be told, he’s _scared_.

Scared that he’ll have to look into Jeongin’s eyes and find disgust. Scared that he’ll ruin their friendship. Scared that he’ll be the cause of a break in their group that will lead to tension. Scared, scared, scared.

This is his life as an idol then. Living his life only to the public. Scared.

* * *

In the days that follow that once instance Jeongin pushes him away, Seungmin is much more wary about initiating skinship with Jeongin again. It’s probably because there’s more at stake here than just not getting cuddles, and Seungmin gets more into his own head, starts to wonder if everyone can see through each move he makes, each action he decides on.

“You, of all of us, sense the cameras the best,” Changbin says calmly when Seungmin mentions one day that he feels like he’s being watched all the time. “You would know if there are cameras.”

“And also it’s illegal to film us without prior knowledge and consent,” Minho adds dryly. “Punch the camera lens if you see one, Minnie.”

“ _That’s illegal_!”

“How would anyone know? The camera wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place!”

Minho makes a good point. Seungmin laughs.

In a few days, Astronaut is scheduled to be dropped right after Neverending Story. He knows that their fans are especially anxious about this release since it’s their first one since – he – departed. It also means that they’re all just as nervous, like they’ve just debuted all over again and are eager to get into the good eye of the public.

“I think they’ll like Astronaut,” Felix says during lunch that day. “It’s… well, it feels good. I hope Stays feel good when they listen to it too.”

Seungmin hopes so too. Desperately. They’ve had to re-edit the video after pushing back the release date; the difference between the two music videos had been too painful to watch but he had done so anyway. The pain he once felt when he sang lines that were not his have mellowed out a little into grief and acceptance, but there is nothing he can do except hope the new version brings happiness to their fans.

Not new version. Their _only_ version, Seungmin corrects himself, and wonders when he can say this without his heart hurting like it has lost a half.

The OST has at least given the fans something to gush about since it’s their first OST release. The release of both the OST and Astronaut, however, has _not_ given Seungmin any relief. When he isn’t thinking about work or covers, his mind goes back to _Jeongin_ , and at this point he just wants to have some peace of mind without needing to worry all the time about everything.

He can’t help but become even more minutely aware of Jeongin’s presence, and even the accidental touches between them sends him into a flurry, worried that Jeongin will react in the same way.

There is relief when he sees Jeongin react in the same way to the other members. Hyunjin, trapping Jeongin in a hug and being shrugged off, laughing; Jisung attempting to kiss Jeongin before being pushed away; Chan trying to hug Jeongin but him running away before Chan can so much as get close to him.

Even so, the relief is small.

The same scene replays through Seungmin’s mind every time he thinks about trying to hug Jeongin. The strong reaction, the elbow to his stomach, and the imagined expression on Jeongin’s face – horror, disgust, _repulsion_. His mind spins the tale a little different every time he remembers it, and soon there’s this paralysing fear that Jeongin will shove him away if he so much as touches his hand.

It gets too much for Seungmin. It really does become too much.

It’s a couple days after Astronaut that it happens.

Seungmin had been worn from both practice and his own mind, running around in circles trying to figure out if he should confess because a month was almost up and he needs to fulfil his own promise.

Seeking comfort was something instinctual in the hour that the clock inched closer to midnight. He wasn’t really looking properly. He had only known that someone was beside him, close to him, he could feel the heat, and his brain was operating on one-third capacity, and the only resounding want was _lean on someone hug someone fast fast fast now!_ and Seungmin had acted on it without much thinking.

Closing his eyes and turning to his side, head falling onto a set of shoulders that is almost parallel to his, arms coming to wrap loosely around someone’s abdomen and there is one, two seconds of peace before Seungmin breathes in sweet and musk in equal measure and then suddenly the body reacts, fast and strong and there are hands pushing at him out of the blue and –

Seungmin falls onto the floor.

“ _Ow_!” Seungmin whimpers, having landed on his back. His hands immediately fly to his back, sure that there’s a bruise forming there and he thinks maybe he’s crying a little but he’s not sure, everything had happened so _fast_.

“Why’d you push him like that?” Chan’s panicked voice came. “Jeongin, what did you do?”

 _Jeongin_.

Seungmin bites down his lip, tries not let the tears fall. The pain in his back is quickly becoming unbearable, but there is pain in his chest too, the knowledge that Jeongin had _pushed him away again_ constricting around his chest until he can’t breathe, he can’t hear, and he recoils when he feels someone touch him.

“It’s just me,” Seungmin hears Chan say softly, “Minnie, it’s just hyung. Can you speak for me?” He’s got a hand on Seungmin’s back and helping him sit up, but even like this, the pain sears through his body.

Seungmin swallows, eyes still clamped shut and shakes his head just a little bit. Hopes that is enough for Chan.

“Okay, that’s okay, Minnie. Do you wanna go to the bathroom?”

A small nod.

“Is there anyone you want to go with you?”

Another tiny nod.

“Is it okay if you tell hyung, Minnie?”

Seungmin opens his eyes, blurred with tears, and can’t really see anyone, looks down onto the wooden floor instead. “… Jinnie,” He whispers quietly, and only Chan hears it.

“Thank you, Minnie. Hyunjinnie, can you take him to the bathroom? I’ll come with the first-aid kit later.”

“Okay hyung,” Hyunjin says, sounding entirely too far away, and then Chan is leaving his side. Terrified, Seungmin gives a sob and almost immediately, there’s a flurry of attention and he’s got more people around him, but there is only one person he wants.

“Minnie, Minnie,” Hyunjin calls softly, “it’s Jinnie. Can I take you to the bathroom, is it okay for me to touch you?”

Seungmin nods, calming down slightly when he knows Hyunjin is there.

“Where does it hurt?”

“My back…”

“Okay, I won’t touch you there, yeah? Can you put your arm around my shoulders…”

Seungmin does his best to comply with Hyunjin’s gentle directions, but his limbs aren’t working with him and his knees almost give way when he manages to stand up again. Alarmed, the other members try to help him too, but he shakes his head, stands up again with even more stubbornness and lets Hyunjin bear the brunt of his weight.

“Let’s go to the bathroom, yeah?”

Seungmin looks up again, and unluckily – catches Jeongin’s eye.

He doesn’t want Jeongin to see him like this. He doesn’t want Jeongin to think he’s so weak as to start crying just because he fell. And most of all – he doesn’t want to face Jeongin, not after being pushed away so harshly again.

“Hyung…” Jeongin starts, but Seungmin breaks gazes with him, presses down on Hyunjin’s shoulders as way of agreeing.

Seungmin doesn’t hear any of it. There is only the repeated pangs of pain stabbing all the way from his back to his chest, and there is only so much he can do to hold everything in. By the time they reach the bathroom, Seungmin slumps onto the toilet seat cover, limbs gone lax and then – starts to cry.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Hyunjin whispers, holding Seungmin tightly in a hug. “You’re okay, Min, you’ll be okay.”

Seungmin doesn’t say anything, just cries. Cries because of his pain. Cries because of what he’s just learned. Cries because of what he’s lost, and will lose.

He never thought living could be so painful, and all the terror – of being an idol, of loving another man, of losing one of his dearest friends – is finally let out as he cries. The tears can’t seem to stop, but Hyunjin doesn’t let go of him either, just holds him close like that and lets him cry it out, even when his shirt becomes entirely soaked with tears and Seungmin is no longer shaking.

“Min?” Hyunjin asks quietly after he’s sure Seungmin has somewhat stopped crying.

“Yea,” Seungmin says, voice broken and scratchy.

“Can you… tell me what happened? Is that okay for you to tell me?”

Seungmin swallows. Decides there is no one else he’d rather tell. Nods, then tries to speak and has to clear his throat a few times before he can actually do it. It breaks Hyunjin’s heart more than a little to see his closest friend so defeated.

“I… didn’t know who I was – was hugging. I just… I was tired, and then he – he pushed me away -“ His eyes fill with tears again against his will, “- and then I – I fell onto the floor.”

“Oh Minnie,” Hyunjin murmurs, stroking through Seungmin’s hair and pulling him into another quick hug. “Is it okay if I check your back?”

Seungmin nods again, turns around to the side and lets Hyunjin lift his jumper. It must be bad, he surmises, both because of the pain and also because of the fact that Hyunjin audibly takes in a breath.

“Is it… bad?”

“It looks like a nasty bruise,” Hyunjin says carefully. “But how does it hurt?”

Before Seungmin can answer, there’s a knock on the bathroom door, and Hyunjin goes to open it. It’s just Chan, holding a first-aid kit and is on the phone with who sounds like their manager.

“He just fell,” Chan explains through the phone as he sets the first-aid kit on the sink counter. “I’ll ask him how he feels, if he needs to go to the hospital… yes we’re supposed to finish practice in an hour but I don’t think Seungmin can continue like this… alright, I will. Thank you, hyung.”

“It looks like a pretty bad bruise,” Hyunjin tells Chan.

“Pain?” Chan asks Seungmin, bending down to look at Seungmin’s back as well.

“Maybe… 5?” Seungmin says, unsure. “I haven’t tried moving or anything so…” He’s fully aware that his voice is shot to hell and that his eyes are red and it is so patently obvious that he’d been crying, but Chan doesn’t press him about any of this.

“I’m going to put a heating pack on it,” Chan says, “I don’t have an ice pack in this first-aid kit. I’ll see if manager-hyung can get one for us, but this will have to do for the while. Are you okay if I tape this to your back, Minnie?”

“Thank you, hyungie,” Seungmin murmurs, closes his eyes and grits his teeth as the heating pad presses against his bruise. 

“I’m gonna ask manager-hyung to take you back to the dorm first, if you don’t need to go to the hospital,” Chan tells him, then says the next part of his sentence in a lower voice. “I talked with Jeongin as well, he wants to talk to you… but do you want to?”

That alone instantly fills Seungmin with near-paralysing fear, the kind that comes from his gut and constricts cold around his heart until he can’t breathe, and ten thousand different scenarios run through his head in the span of half a second, before he realises that he needs to give Chan an answer.

“It’s nothing bad,” Chan adds when he notices Seungmin pressing his lips together. “He just wants to apologise, and maybe something else, I’m not sure – he wouldn’t say.”

It’s too much. Too much for one night, for one hour. Seungmin can’t handle looking at Jeongin in a room that is filled by only them and too much silence. He won’t be able to stand there and listen to Jeongin apologise and look guilty when it’s _himself_ that’s caused all the fuss tonight.

His heart is already too heavy.

“Another day,” Seungmin says. “I’m sorry hyung, I can’t… I’m too tired.”

“It’s not your fault,” Chan says gently, “I’ll pass on the message. You get some rest at home, okay? We’ll all be back in an hour or two, I’ll tell them to try not to wake you up. Now… do you want Hyunjin and I to take you to the van?”

Seungmin stands up with Hyunjin’s help, testing his balance and how his back feels. “I think… I’ll be fine. I’ve already caused enough trouble for one night, I’ll find my way. Thank you for your help.”

“Still so stubborn,” Chan murmurs as he watches Seungmin walk slowly down the hallway, into the elevator and out of their sight.

“He’s all up in his head about whether Jeongin likes him back or not,” Hyunjin says quietly. “I didn’t want to interfere because that’s between them to solve it… but he got hurt today, and he really – he really cried so much just now. I… couldn’t do anything, it felt terrible.”

“You were there for him,” Chan reminds him with a pat to the shoulder. “That was probably all he wanted.” Then he sighs and thinks back to when he told Seungmin that he should think about what he wanted to do with his feelings. “I hope they sort it out soon, it seems like they’re misunderstanding each other’s intentions.”

“We can’t help him until he tells us what he’s thinking,” Hyunjin says with some degree of frustration, “and Jeongin is being a little blunt. Why’d he push Seungminnie away so harshly? Even when he plays with us, he doesn’t push us away this hard.”

“You know why,” Chan sighs. They make their way back to the dance practice room after Chan receives a text from their manager that Seungmin is with him and they’re on their way back to the dorm. “He already doesn’t like skinship, and add to the fact that he likes Seungmin, so he got even more panicky and – well, Minnie’s gotten hurt. I told him it can’t go on like this any longer, but if Seungmin doesn’t want to face him anytime soon…”

There is nothing that they can do, despite their desperation. They have dished out enough advice for both of them to absorb in, and ultimately it is still an issue that they have to resolve between them. It still doesn’t stop them from worrying about it.

“Wait – does Jeongin not know Seungmin likes him?” Hyunjin asks in hushed undertones outside the practice room door.

Chan gives a dry laugh. “No, I don’t think so. You’d think he’d act a little differently if he knew,” Chan says, but it’s with a pained undertone like he had experienced this kind of pain himself.

“…Hyung?”

“It’s nothing. Let’s go inside.”

Not for the first time, Hyunjin looks between Jisung and Minho, and Chan and the empty space beside him where someone else had once filled that gap. Wonders how they had come to this, and hopes – for Seungmin’s sake – that he and Jeongin end up closer on the spectrum to Jisung and Minho.

* * *

Seungmin honestly doesn’t remember much after he’d arrived at the dorm. His bruise was deemed not that severe, and so a hospital visit wasn’t required. A few days of taking it easy and constant heat on it would do him good, so their manager promised to rearrange his personal schedule and left Seungmin to sleep with a fresh hot pack taped to his back.

When he woke up again, it was already morning and the dorm quiet like the other members had never come back. Sitting up slowly, Seungmin winces as the pain in his back makes itself known, and he thinks vaguely of finding something to eat, and his phone to call Chan to see what he can do today.

Before he can do any of that, however, the door to his room opens.

“Oh, you’re up!” Minho says, carrying a tray of something. “That’s good. Are you hungry?”

“Hyung? What are you doing here?”

“They left me to take care of you,” Minho says, making a face. Seungmin laughs, knows that it was most likely Minho had volunteered to take care of him and this was just his roundabout way of saying it.

“What’s that?”

“Fried rice, and some soup. How’s your back doing?”

“Thank you! Ah, it’s better since I’ve got the heat pack, but it’s a little… well, I injured back before, you know how it is,” Seungmin shrugs.

“Which means you shouldn’t do any aggravating physical activities,” Minho says sternly, brandishing a spoon in Seungmin’s general direction as Seungmin watches on amusedly. “After you eat I’ll call manager-hyung and ask him to take us to the company. Chan-hyung said you can record something or arrange one of your covers, but you won’t be dancing until next week.”

“Next _week_?” Seungmin protests, “I haven’t even finished learning some of the dances yet!”

“So I’ll be teaching you one-on-one,” Minho says, grinning. “Oh, you’re going to have so much fun, Minnie.”

Seungmin rolls his eyes and begins to eat, but he’s happy that Minho’s helping him to finish up the choreography for their songs. All of the dance line are incredibly good at helping the rest of the members with the choreography – maybe because they took part in it, or that dance really is their first passion, and Seungmin is always in awe that he’s in the same group with them.

“How are you feeling?” Minho asks, sitting at the end of Seungmin’s bed, phone in hand but screen not on. He’s not asking about Seungmin’s back.

Seungmin pauses in taking another spoonful of the fried rice and frowns at his distorted reflection in the bowl of bean sprout soup. “I guess… now that I’ve slept and ate, it – it kinda feels like I overreacted,” He says, laughing a bit. “I think I need to apologise to Jeonginnie for last night, he must be weirded out.”

 _Oh for fucks’ sake_ , Minho thinks to himself, then smiles at Seungmin. “You did nothing wrong, you know. He pushed you out of reflex and you landed on your back, which must have hurt. You don’t need to justify your tears, Seungmin-ah.”

“But –“ Seungmin rushes to say, then realises he doesn’t really have anything to say. Out of steam before he’s even started, he takes another mouthful of rice, leaving space for Minho to fill.

“Minnie… it’s very difficult to guess how someone else is feeling unless that person tells you. Do you think it’s more logical to ask someone how they feel or to speculate with yourself until you get stressed about it?” Minho phrases his words carefully, tries not to make it seem like he’s targeting Seungmin specifically – because he’s not. He just wants Seungmin to realise this way of going about things will not solve anything and will only bring more pain in the future.

“It’s – not always easy to just ask someone else how they’re feeling,” Seungmin eventually responds. “It takes courage to ask as well, doesn’t it?”

“You’re right,” Minho says, and reaches over to hold Seungmin’s hand. Comforting. “But I think to have come this far has also needed bravery –“ He grips Seungmin’s hand tighter, hopes Seungmin knows what he’s trying to get at, “- and it’s okay to admit you don’t have enough bravery.”

Slowly, slowly, _slowly_ , he feels Seungmin press back into his grip.

“You can gain courage from the people around you, Min,” Minho says quietly, knows Seungmin is listening. “You’re not walking alone. When you talk to people, you may find that you get a response that isn’t favourable, but there’s also the chance that you do get a good response. If you don’t talk to people, you get nothing and you’ll have missed an opportunity.”

“Then… when – when Jisung…”

“I wasn’t expecting it,” Minho murmurs, knowing what Seungmin is trying to say. “I didn’t know, but I had a guess. If Jisung was half as forward-thinking as you, he wouldn’t have just blurted out his feelings like that, but nothing bad has happened… and you, Minnie, I think you need to live in the present a little more.”

“It’s hard, hyung,” Seungmin says, voice small, “I don’t… wanna make things weird, not just between us, but also in the group.”

“We can overcome anything together,” Minho says. His voice is steady, certain, and the light in his eyes is the same one that Seungmin remembers seeing in Chan’s eyes the day Stray Kids officially became nine. And Seungmin still remembers Minho smiling through his tears two years ago on that damned trainee stage and pressing tissues into their faces and now – he is still here, holding his hand and telling him it’ll be okay.

Seungmin believes him. With his whole heart.

“Okay, hyung,” Seungmin whispers. His voice is small but his conviction is not and the relief that he gets from Minho’s smile is larger than he thought possible.

For the next few days, somehow, he doesn’t see a lot of Jeongin. He would have thought it was impossible to avoid someone in the same group as you for three days straight, but Chan can apparently work magic. He joins back for the group dance practices well into the next week, and that is the first time he sees Jeongin again for more than a couple minutes.

“Hyung,” Jeongin says, voice thin with both dehydration and panic, “hyung? How’s your back? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to push you so hard that day, I haven’t seen you for ages –“

“It’s fine,” Seungmin interrupts gently before Jeongin can spill on further. “It’s just a bruise, I’ll live Jeonginnie. You didn’t’ see me because… I was arranging something, then I had to catch up on the dance myself with Minho-hyung’s help.”

“That –“ Jeongin seems to hesitate, like he’s wondering if he should say it out loud, “- that’s good! Ah, I was so worried, I really am sorry hyung… I just – I’m really tickly, I thought most of you knew that, so that’s why I don’t really like skinship.”

Seungmin clears his throat, feels embarrassment creep up his neck. “Oh. I – I didn’t – I forgot? Ah, I’m sorry, I won’t hug you like that again.”

“I mean,” Jeongin hurriedly adds, “I’m fine if you tell me first…”

Seungmin thinks he’s going to pass out. What the _fuck_ does this mean? Does this mean Jeongin doesn’t mind skinship? With him, specifically, or with the whole group in general? _What the fuck does this mean!_

Chan saves the day.

“We need to practice as a group, come on, the live stages for Levanter are next week, let’s go!”

Sometimes, Seungmin is grateful that the workload as an idol often leaves him too drained to think about anything else other than _how he can improve_ and _how much time till the live stage_ because he doesn’t really want to think about the implications of what Jeongin has said. Sure, the implications are _good_ but Seungmin doesn’t necessarily want to give himself false positive hope.

“You know, different people show affection in different ways,” Hyunjin says one day before their first live stage for Levanter. It feels like it’s been a long time since they’ve been on stage, and they’re all a little jittery, burning off the extra nerves by spending a little longer in the dance studio than necessary.

“What?” Seungmin says, wondering why Hyunjin is suddenly bringing this up.

“Skinship isn’t the only way someone shows affection,” Hyunjin continues, then eyes the milkshake in Seungmin’s hand persistently. “There are many ways,” Hyunjin repeats again, then hurries off when his name is called by their dance instructor.

Seungmin squints at Hyunjin, then at the milkshake in his hand. _What…? I don’t -_ then he remembers.

“Jeongin bought something for us,” Changbin had yelled earlier that morning. There are various beverages, mostly iced americanos and hot chocolates, but Jeongin had handed him his drink personally.

“I didn’t want it mixed up with the hyungs’,” Jeongin explained, not really looking at Seungmin.

“Thank you,” Seungmin had said. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t remember telling Jeongin what drink he likes to order at the café, so how is it possible that Jeongin knows he likes this specific type of milkshake? Unless… Seungmin’s eyes drift over to Hyunjin, then to the milkshake, then to Jeongin who is going over the dance with Felix in a corner of the studio.

 _Different people show affection in different ways_.

Is Hyunjin hinting that perhaps… Jeongin is showing him affection like this, instead of skinship? Seungmin doesn’t think so, seeing as Jeongin had bought drinks for everyone – which is an admittedly rare occurrence in itself, so Seungmin decides to put it down to Jeongin feeling charitable.

But then – it happens again.

Jeongin gets him drinks from the vending machines multiple times, even when Seungmin has brought his own wallet, even when other members offer to buy it for him.

Jeongin invites him to eat together and insists on footing the bill despite Seungmin protesting that he’s the hyung, and he will pay for their meal.

Jeongin remembers his orders at the café, and what he thinks of the food, gets him the same milkshake and remembers not to buy the blueberry muffins because they’re soggy and not as good as the banana ones.

 _Different people show affection in different ways_.

Seungmin finally realises that Jeongin is showing him affection like this a week before they’re about to film the music video for Gone Days. He hadn’t thought that Jeongin would be a more materialistic giver, but he guesses that this compounds with Jeongin’s penchant for attention to detail as well as a fantastic memory when he actually bothers.

Which leads to his current, new dilemma. If Jeongin is showing him affection in this way, going out of his way to be nicer to Seungmin than he is to the other members – Jisung is _still_ complaining about how Jeongin will pay for Seungmin’s meals but not his – then does it mean that Jeongin holds the same feelings that he has?

“As I said,” Minho says patiently, though there’s an undercurrent of frustration to it, “you need to _ask_ them. _Talk_ to them.” If Seungmin was a degree less worried he would have found it funny, but as it stands, he does _not_.

“It might be easy for you, hyung, but I’m not like that,” Seungmin grumbles, squishing his cheeks together as he stares at the lyrics for Gone Days. He and Minho had been called for vocal practice, but their coach had left halfway into the session for one thing or another so they had derailed a little.

Minho softens at that, pats Seungmin’s head and coos at the fluffiness. “You’re right, hyung is sorry for being so pushy. I never made the first move either, but it’s been so long Minnie, don’t you think one of you has to do something eventually?”

“Since when was Jeongin part of this equation?”

“Jeonginnie is so obviously head over heels for you, Minnie, _please_.”

“How do you know that?!”

“Oh, my _god_ ,” Minho groans, and then buries his face into the sheets of lyrics. “Don’t talk to me, Kim Seungmin. I’m never giving you advice again.”

Still, Minho is right. He was right a month ago, and he’s still right now. Seungmin needs to talk to Jeongin, face up to whatever it is that their relationship has become, the grey area of something seemingly more than innocent friends but also not quite the defined area of lovers.

Just the thought of it makes Seungmin’s breathing hitch, clutch the lyrics sheets a little tighter before he remembers how to breathe. He doesn’t think he would ever have enough bravery by himself to go to Jeongin and just confess like that, but he also doesn’t think he could take this push and pull game of unknowns for much longer.

Someone will have to take the first step soon. Seungmin just isn’t sure if the first step has already been taken, and who will be the one to be even braver and take the next one.

The filming for Gone Days is different from the usual music videos that they film – and it feels a lot closer to the music videos for their b-sides, like Get Cool or Awkward Silence. It is also entirely fitting that he is the only student who is properly attired and actually paying attention in their mock-up classroom, because he’s like that in real life too.

He says much of the same to the camera, but isn’t sure how much of it will make it past the editor’s stringent cuts before Stays can see it on the behind video. It’s all light-hearted filming, and Seungmin feels happier when filming too, different from their usual storyline-heavy, drama-driven music videos.

The behind video comes out a week and a half later after the music video is dropped, and Seungmin finds himself watching it one late night despite knowing everything that had gone on at the filming site. Maybe it’s because he wants to see how Stays might watch it, putting himself in less taxing shoes for five minutes before he returns to work.

There isn’t anything he isn’t expecting in the behind video, and makes a mental note to go and tease Hyunjin about his piercings, until the video cuts to Jeongin drawing – vandalising? – some of their photocards and posters, and there are three full seconds of the camera focusing on a poster of _himself_ , surrounded by red hearts that Jeongin drew.

Seungmin takes in a deep breath, scrubs the video backwards five seconds to check if his eyes are actually working or not.

Oh yeah. That’s definitely his poster. On the table and all, surrounded by books – and _hearts_ , as Jeongin had drawn for him.

 _That doesn’t mean anything_ , Seungmin tells himself as he continues watching the rest of the video. _I’m sure he drew hearts on the photocards and posters of the other members too, this is nothing to get worked up about_. It really is too bad that his mind likes to remember things well, and brings it up at the most inappropriate moments.

Seungmin spends the rest of the night before he falls asleep convincing himself that it means nothing, only for Felix to bring him the actual poster the next morning. Goddamn.

“Jeongin said we might as well have these things,” Felix explains as he hands Seungmin a poster and two photocards. “He said he has a lot more of these goods already, and I think he said he wrote messages for each of us? I don’t know, you should check if he did.”

“Thanks,” Seungmin says, and wonders how his life has come to this. He knows fans that would sell blood for these photocards, and here he is, holding Jeongin-customised photocards for free.

Jeongin had drawn puppy features onto his photocards, then drawn a bunch of red hearts around the poster. Flipping the poster over, there’s some writing squashed into a small corner of the poster and Seungmin squints at it, the words made harder to read by the thickness of the marker used to write it.

Just barely, he can make out the words ‘ _thank you_ ’, ‘ _take care of yourself_ ’ and ‘ _love you_ ’. The rest of the words dissolve into each other until Seungmin can’t quite differentiate one character from the other. Still, he’s read enough to know the vague meaning of what Jeongin’s written down on this small side of the poster for him – and that’s more than enough.

“So, when are you going to make a move?”

Seungmin sighs as Felix comes back into his room, arms now empty and smiling. “And why are you asking that?”

“Because… it’s painfully obvious that you’re pining for each other?”

“He does _not_ ,” Seungmin hisses.

“He _does_ ,” Felix counters. “Do you think I’m blind? We all see what happens between the two of you, Seungminnie, it’s really obvious.”

“Obvious that I like him?” Seungmin asks, just a tad hysterical.

“Obvious that you both like each other,” Felix corrects. “You’d think both of you would have known, but you’re both equally as oblivious…”

“You’re joking,” Seungmin says with an air of finality, and turns back to his bed to find his phone and charger so they can get ready for the day’s schedules.

Felix stares after Seungmin as he walks out of the room and into the living room. Two seconds later, he wonders if anyone would be willing to take bets on who confesses first – because they are both incredibly oblivious and obstinate, and it would take _at least_ another half year before they so much as realised their feelings were returned by the other. As it stood, it had already been a year since Seungmin told him he liked Jeongin – and what had come of it?

Copious tears on Seungmin’s side, and oblivion on Jeongin’s part. When would they learn?

Even so, another puzzle piece slides into place the next week. It’s another night – their days both past so fast and yet stretch on forever – and they’ve all gathered together for dinner. The first time all of them could be together for more than half an hour for a couple weeks, so there’s some bottles of soju lying around and boxes of fried chicken everywhere.

For the first time, Seungmin thinks eight seems full, not empty like it used to be. It is warm, the conversation is homey, and there is a softness in the air that sinks into Seungmin, makes him softer and more affectionate.

“Minnie, you asked for a drink just now right?” Hyunjin calls, and hands him a bottle of sikhye from a plastic bag.

“Oh, but I bought you something too!” Felix interjects, pulling out a carton of strawberry milk from beside him.

“This is why we reply in the group chat,” Minho says, rolling his eyes. They ignore him from where he is cuddled into Jisung’s side. Only Jisung coos at him, kisses his cheek.

“Um… thank you, anyway,” Seungmin says, laughing a little, unsure what to take first. He supposes he’ll put one in the fridge for tomorrow or something – or does one of the members want one of it? He’s about to open his mouth to ask, but then –

“You want the strawberry milk right?” Jeongin asks, taking the sikhye and passing the milk to Seungmin.

Seungmin blinks at him. “Um – yeah. How – what? How did you know?” Takes the strawberry milk from Jeongin’s hand.

Jeongin shrugs, keeps his eyes on the box of chicken in front of them. “You were looking at the strawberry milk. I’ll have the sikhye, if you don’t mind hyung.”

“I don’t mind,” Seungmin says, but then Hyunjin has leaned over to coo at Jeongin, missing his chance to hug him as Jeongin moves away, lightning fast.

“If you wanted sikhye I would have bought it for you too, Jeonginnie!” Hyunjin exclaims.

“Hyung!” Jeongin whines, squirming as Hyunjin finally gets a hold on him.

Seungmin laughs, and opens the carton. Somehow, the strawberry milk tastes even sweeter in his mouth this time, not dulled by the heaviness of his heart – and made all that much more saccharine because of his friends around him.

The gravity of Jeongin’s actions does not sink into him that night. Nor does it sink in the weeks and months after that one dinner, and slowly, Seungmin starts to forget about that one little incident, goes back to his own dilemma of _do I confess or not_ and _does Jeongin actually like me or not_ and _is this Jeongin showing affection_.

He, very conveniently, misses out on the betting that the other members of the group makes.

“Before our comeback,” Minho says.

“After our comeback,” Chan decides.

They all take one of these sides, because they are bored, Jeongin and Seungmin need to get their act together, and _they are bored_.

“Please, for god’s sake, just kiss already,” Changbin hisses under his breath one day when Jeongin and Seungmin are talking to each other.

Yet again, it’s another day of the two of them bumbling around each other, not believing that the other returned their affection. It is somehow both sweet and frustrating to watch them circle each other shyly like this, not sure when or how to go to the next step.

“Why can’t they be a little more like Jisung?” Hyunjin demands, “A little more reckless and impulsive, that would be better.”

“Hey!” Jisung barks, then throws an empty coffee cup at Hyunjin, who dodges it.

“It’s not a bad thing!” Hyunjin defends himself, “It got you and Minho-hyung together! We just want them to get together already, it’s been _so fucking long_ since we all knew they like each other.”

“Language,” Chan says automatically, then sighs. “We’ve discussed this before, let’s just let them take their time. We’ve given them all the advice we can, and I’m not letting any of you dip your noses into their business any further.”

“Because you _totally_ stopped us from betting on when they’ll get together,” Minho says dryly, then squeaks and laughs when Chan grabs at his waist to tickle. He bats Chan’s hands away from his waist and scoots away further from him, a little breathless.

“Hey, hyung, do you know when we’re filming the music video for On Track?” Felix asks suddenly, looking up from a sheet of lyrics that he’s been studying as they talked.

“Oh um – I think manager-hyung said we’ll film in next month around this time, but it hasn’t been confirmed yet, he’ll tell us when it’s closer the time.”

“What’s the concept?” Changbin pipes up, curious.

“Maybe a drama-like concept?” Hyunjin suggests, “Since Changbin-hyung’s lyrics are so romantic, a drama-like concept would suit it well.”

“You drama addict,” Minho chimes in, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I’ll pass on the suggestion to manager-hyung anyway,” Chan agrees, making a note of it in his phone. “It could be useful, I don’t think they have a firm idea of what they want to film, that’s why they haven’t settled on a date yet. I’ll see what manager-hyung thinks about it.”

* * *

A month is somehow both too fast and too slow at the same time. There is work, of course – recording songs for the new album, learning new choreographies to go with it and shows to attend and emcee. Then there is work that is not-quite-work, like holding vlives and recording vlogs to be uploaded onto the channel later.

Maybe it is this work that is not-quite-work that makes it a little more difficult for Seungmin to differentiate between his idol life and non-idol life; it’s something he’s working on, but when so much of his personal life is recorded for the fans as content, even he’s not sure what really counts as relaxing or not.

And in between his desperate attempt to balance work and life, there is also the ever-increasing pressure about what he and Jeongin are slowly becoming.

Sure, he still helps Jeongin with his vocals, they still film their Maknae Private Life vlives together, they still have all the videos that they record together – in that way, everything is still the same.

But it is the small things that are different.

Like Seungmin making food for Jeongin only when Jeongin goes to him, complaining of hunger. Like Jeongin buying drinks and snacks for Seungmin without much second thought even though he doesn’t often do the same for the other members. Like how they’re starting to act so familiar with each other under the guise of remaining just as friends.

In a way, this is even more painful than when he wasn’t sure if Jeongin didn’t like him because he repeatedly shoved him away.

It’s because now he knows that Jeongin shows his affection in different ways, not skinship. And that knowledge is dangerous because it tells Seungmin that Jeongin returns his feelings, that his love is reciprocated and – most dangerous of all – that he can confess to Jeongin and hope for a favourable response.

It is hope that Seungmin finds most damning.

Heartbreak, rejection, loss – they are things he can deal with, are things that he has dealt with. But he isn’t ready to deal with these things if hope has convinced him that it is exactly these things that he won’t need to fear, and he’s afraid of the ground falling away into nothing under his feet because of too much hope.

Even as he worries, the days pass. Birthdays come and go – Jeongin becomes a year older as well after early February, and somehow Jeongin has become an adult in front of their eyes without them noticing it.

But this month – they have something new to focus on. After Hyunjin’s initial offhand comment on how they should film the new music video for On Track, the producer and director of the music video had become interested in the concept. Meetings were held and plans produced after that, and somehow they had ended up filming in a school, following a script that they had all come to know by heart.

“Don’t get jealous,” Changbin whispers to Jisung under his breath on the day of filming.

“ _What do you mean_ ,” Jisung hisses back to Changbin.

The fact that Minho would be one of the two leads along with Hyunjin was something that was decided by the director. Jisung hadn’t voiced an objection then, and he still hasn’t, because as he had told them before, this was work, he loved Minho and Minho loved him, and he wasn’t about to get jealous because Minho directed his attention onto someone else for the span of a day or two.

“You’re so mature,” Changbin coos, just a little mocking, and laughs when Jisung kicks him in the shin, bickering like children.

Minho and Hyunjin both do an excellent job of controlling their expressions, Seungmin observes as they follow the director’s call - and plenty of time to observe he has. The rest of them have minor roles in the music video, leaving them free to do whatever they want in the background as Easter eggs for the fans to find.

It also means that Seungmin dozes off most of the time, made sleepy by the cold-ish weather and the long hours of filming even though he doesn’t really play a huge role. He also notices that the way Minho looks at Pei Chen is almost the same as the way he looks at Jisung, and wonders how Jisung can stand Minho looking at him like that almost every day. He finds out soon enough.

“Your eyes are so pretty,” Jisung tells Minho when they break for lunch, and Minho snorts, slips on a puffer jacket that the staff had given him just a minute earlier.

“All you did was stare at my eyes? How productive, Han Jisung,” Minho says, but there’s an undercurrent of sweetness to his words. Seungmin has to stop himself from rolling his eyes, leaves them alone to give them as much privacy as a filming set can afford them, and goes to find the rest of his members to finally eat some kimchi fried rice.

“Here,” Jeongin says as soon as Seungmin takes a seat next to him.

“Thank you,” Seungmin says, naturally receiving the bowl of fried rice and chopsticks from Jeongin. He opens the packaging as Jeongin opens two cans of coke for them and grabs another small bowl of kimchi for them to share.

“Oh, my fucking god,” Hyunjin hisses under his breath, “I’ve had enough. Why are we filming a drama between me, Minho-hyung and Pei Chen-ssi? Why are we not filming _them_? My eyes are going to _rot_ from looking at them.”

“Oh, young love,” Felix murmurs dreamily.

“Everyone, come and eat,” Chan calls, steadily ignoring all of the hubbub going on around him. “We need to start filming before it gets too dark.”

Lunch is wrapped up pretty quickly after Chan’s reminders about the time, and filming resumes after that. Jeongin’s a little more busy now, fulfilling his role as the secondary lead. Right now, they’re currently filming the scene where Pei Chen tries to choose between the milks that Minho and Hyunjin bring for her.

Seungmin thinks this scene would be dramatic once the music was laid over and the scenes edited, but in real life, it’s a little funny to see Jeongin try not to roll his eyes as Hyunjin tries his best at acting like he’s confused and hurt when she leans towards Minho’s drink.

The director and producer are discussing how they should continue with this scene, if Pei Chen should outright go for Minho’s drink or just not choose at all. Still, they direct the scene to go ahead and film it a couple times to get the angles right, the lighting right, and Seungmin is honestly glad he doesn’t have such a big role. He couldn’t keep his face straight when he acted with Hyunjin in Side Effects, he definitely couldn’t do it now.

In the middle of filming another take, however, Jeongin reaches over and simply takes Hyunjin’s drink, looking at the three of their shocked expressions briefly before looking the other way and sipping on the drink nonchalantly. This also means that Pei Chen is free to take the strawberry milk – and the scene is resolved.

Jeongin gets praises from the director about his impromptu acting, but Seungmin can’t find it in him to smile.

The scene feels familiar. It feels so, so familiar. Like he’d seen it before, or even, he’d been a part of it. It really isn’t until later when he sees an empty bottle of sikhye that one of them had left on the lunch table that he really remembers why the scene is so familiar.

Weeks, maybe months ago – their dinner table – the bottle of sikhye and carton of strawberry milk – Jeongin had taken the sikhye and gave him the strawberry milk – he _knew_ – and –

And now he had replicated the same scene in a music video that they’re filming in.

Seungmin doesn’t know what to make of this information. Jeongin doesn’t act any different after his scene, is still as bright and bubbly as he usually is. What is he supposed to say? Point out that he had done the same thing at dinner weeks ago, a small, inconsequential interaction that no one else would have remembered? Something that only he noticed because his heart meant everything Jeongin does he is attuned to it?

No, he keeps quiet. It’s probably just coincidence, Seungmin convinces himself. There is no meaning to it, just like how not everything has a meaning to it.

Yet, the last puzzle piece slides right into place just two weeks later on a radio show when they’re discussing the newly dropped music video for On Track.

Seungmin’s dozing off a little, tired from the activities of the radio show as well as it having been a long day, and they’re still a little while away from the show ending. It also doesn’t help that it is a talking segment now, and he finds the voices of his members soothing because they aren’t screaming.

Vaguely, as he messes with the headband that he had been given, he hears the emcee ask Jeongin about his infamous chocolate-milk scene in the music video and the meaning behind it.

“I just did it without thinking, it wasn’t scripted,” Jeongin explains, laughing a little. “And as for the meaning behind it… well, it’s something like jealousy.” There’s a chorus of shocked gasps being taken in – Seungmin both wakes up fully and has his heart stop for two seconds – and Jeongin continues with, “I’ll finish here.” He ends with a bright smile like he hasn’t just made their fans burst into thousands of theories about the music video, like he hasn’t made Seungmin’s mind go into overdrive with the information that he has just acquired.

 _Something like jealousy_.

The words don’t leave Seungmin’s for the rest of the radio show. They don’t leave his mind when they finish up the show. They don’t leave his mind on the way back to the dorm and certainly don’t fade away when he’s getting ready to sleep two hours later.

 _I might as well tattoo the words on my forehead_ , Seungmin thinks to himself grumpily in the bathroom of their dorm while hoping his skin doesn’t break out because he hasn’t been sleeping enough lately. _What does Jeongin mean to say with those words?_

Washing his hands idly, he thinks about it. If Jeongin taking the chocolate milk from Hyunjin that was meant for Pei Chen was his way of showing jealousy… the original circumstances from which the scene originated was a little different though. Jeongin had volunteered to take the sikhye, leaving Seungmin free to take the strawberry milk.

Then – did that mean care? Or was it still jealousy? Of who? Him, who received two drinks, or Hyunjin and Felix, who were waiting for his reaction? What were Jeongin’s intentions then?

The questions build up fast in his mind, all pressing and all needing an answer _now now now_ and Seungmin has to grip the edge of the sink counter to steady himself. His phone, lying on the sink counter, chimes with a few notifications from their group chat asking if there are still more packs of ox bone soup in the fridge. Seungmin ignores these questions, because Jisung has eaten these soup packs for a week straight already.

He looks at himself in the mirror again, like a year ago when he stared at himself in this exact same dorm mirror with pink shampoo sticky under his fingers and wondered if he had a crush on Jeongin, and something comes over him.

It’s been far too long, now that he thinks about it. He’s further ahead and better compared to where he was last year… he can’t keep living like this for another year.

Seungmin fixes his hair, peers closer into the mirror to make sure his makeup is all cleanly washed off and that his skin doesn’t seem like it’s about to have a breakout the next morning, then leaves.

 _Tomorrow_ , Seungmin promises himself, _after this night, I’ll ask Jeongin everything. I’ll sort everything out_. The dorm is silent and there is only the quiet buzz of the air filter, but it smells like home. It soothes Seungmin, and assures his decision.

There is a sense of finality to his words, and his heart becomes a little lighter.

 _I can do it_.

* * *

Friday morning dawns slow. They don’t have a schedule today apart from recording some new songs and then working on some choreography – work that is not-quite-work.

Seungmin is, as usual, the first person to wake up, and he sets about lazily doing what he needs to do. He washes his face, makes some toast to eat as he cleans the kitchen from the remnants of last night’s dinner and then stands over the sink drinking some milk like some sort of savage.

It isn’t until he finishes breakfast that he really wakes up – and realises what he needs to do.

“Stupid responsibility,” Seungmin mutters his breath, pretending he can’t feel his heart bursting wildly in his chest. He considers his ability to get things done without delay one of his biggest advantages, but it also means that he _can’t delay anything_ and if he does, he gets worked up and anxious about it, worried something bad will happen.

It’s something he’s working on, but he has other things to focus on.

What should he do – how should he start? All of the members are in the dorm today, and he’s not sure if he wants to talk to Jeongin with all of the members within earshot. At the same time, they can’t go out to talk, so he _must_ settle for the dorm. Would he be able to convince some of the members to vacate a room for them to talk to?

It takes half an hour of contemplating as he mindlessly scrolls through twitter, but he finally decides on asking his roommates to leave their room for about an hour as he talks to Jeongin. Chan, Minho and Hyunjin should have no problem with this request of his, since they probably want to eat or something as well.

Having decided, Seungmin waits – and waiting is the hardest task of all. Most of the members wake late, or simply stay in bed until hunger or something propels them out of the blankets, so it’s past noon before Jisung walks out, hair mussed and looking sleepy. Before he can so much as say hi, Minho’s walking out from behind Jisung, hair equally mussed and Seungmin averts his eyes from the darkened bites lining Minho’s exposed shoulders.

“Good morning,” Seungmin says to the dining table.

“Good morning,” Jisung murmurs, immediately collapsing beside Seungmin onto the sofa as Minho shuffles into the kitchen.

Seungmin squints at Minho. “Hyung, you didn’t… you were in our room last night.”

“You go to sleep early,” Minho calls. “I went over to Jisung’s at – um… one?”

“We just cuddled!” Jisung defends himself despite Seungmin not accusing him of anything.

“I didn’t say anything,” Seungmin says plainly.

Minho brings out two cups of tea and passes one to Jisung, sits down close to Jisung, leaning into him like second nature and closing his eyes. Seungmin’s eyes are drawn to the line of Minho’s shoulders again, where Minho’s skin is marred.

“The stylists won’t like that,” Seungmin murmurs. Goes back to looking at his phone and hoping Jeongin wakes up soon.

“It’ll disappear soon,” Jisung replies, looking guilty as he traces his fingers over Minho’s neck.

“You need better control, like me,” Minho says. Jisung snorts, tries not to point out that Minho _asked_ for these.

“Whatever, baby,” Jisung agrees, and drinks his tea.

“Wow, I love throwing up in my mouth,” Seungmin groans. “Please, I don’t need to see this. In fact – I’m going to make _lunch_ , since it’s past noon.”

“Love you too!” Jisung yells as Seungmin makes his way to the kitchen.

“What’s the shouting about,” Chan says as he enters the living room, rubbing his eyes and curly hair all fluffed up. He looks so young like this, sleep easing the lines of being a leader and idol.

“I’m making lunch,” Seungmin says instead. “It’s just ramyeon and spam, I know Felix wanted to order something for lunch so you can order with him.”

Chan nods, still a little lost and then goes into the bathroom.

Cooking is methodical. Relaxing. The noodles boil easily, the flavouring packets tear away easily, and the egg fries perfectly. Even the spam is crisp, not burnt like it usually is because the one frying pan they have is a little wonky and doesn’t receive heat all the way round the bottom. By the time he finishes making lunch, all the members have woken up and are mulling about, washing up, waiting for the food deliveries to arrive, or making something to eat as well.

“Hyung, what are you making?” Jeongin asks, coming out from the bathroom. His neck is a little wet, and Seungmin tries not to look at it.

“It’s just ramyeon,” Seungmin shrugs. “Oh, do you want some?”

“You did not offer _me_ ,” Hyunjin interjects, sounding betrayed.

“You said you wanted to order with Felix and Chan-hyung,” Seungmin points out.

“It’s the _thought_ , Seungminnie,” Hyunjin says. The doorbell rings and Seungmin is spared from answering as Hyunjin rushes to get the door, eager to get the food delivery.

“Hyung,” Jeongin calls, and Seungmin shuts off the stove, turns to look at Jeongin. It’s almost embarrassing, how every nerve in his body is attuned to Jeongin, how all of his focus becomes Jeongin, how suddenly his blood rushes and heart pounds and his tongue becomes heavy. His crush on Jeongin must be so obvious by now.

“Yeah?” Seungmin says, parsing his mouth open to make it seem like he’s actually fine and not malfunctioning.

“I… I’m not sure if you’ve noticed,” Jeongin starts off, laughing a little, “but I think you might have. The hyungs – well, from what they’ve told me, I think maybe you have.”

“Noticed _what_?” Seungmin says, can’t really hear his own voice. His blood rushes up to his ears, leaves his fingers cold and throat dry.

“I like you, hyung,” Jeongin says, each word clear and ringing, and his smile is brighter than the sun streaming in through the window. “I’ve liked you for a while now, hyung, in a romantic way… I thought you should know.” The hubbub of their group in the living room stops abruptly, but Seungmin can’t hear anything over the thud of his heart.

Seungmin can feel his knees almost giving out. “You… you what?” He croaks out, weak, and then his knees actually give out. He goes down onto the floor, just barely bracing himself with two palms to the floor.

Jeongin sinks down to the floor in front of him, alarmed. “Hyung? What –“

“Tell me again,” Seungmin insists, surges forward until their faces are closer. “Tell me again, Jeonginnie.”

“I like you, hyung,” Jeongin repeats, just as clear as he was the first time, and –

Seungmin feels all of his energy leave his body in one go and he leans forward slowly until his head is in Jeongin’s shoulder, trembling a little.

“Hyung?” Jeongin asks quietly, a hand coming up to cup the back of Seungmin’s neck.

“I was –“ Seungmin starts, trying to explain that he was thinking of confessing today as well, how coincidental could it be that Jeongin does it on the same day as him? Then, he decides to keep it short. “I like you too, Jeonginnie.”

He can feel Jeongin’s fingers press harder into his skin for two seconds, then Jeongin is slowly winding another arm around his waist, pulling them closer together.

“Is this okay?” Jeongin asks.

“Are _you_ okay?” Seungmin counters, knows Jeongin doesn’t like skinship.

“It’s more okay with you,” Jeongin murmurs, and Seungmin thinks maybe this is more than what he thought would be a good outcome.

“I can’t believe it,” Seungmin says when they break off from their hug, wants to laugh a little but the emotion lapping at his heart is hard to part from. “I… I was gonna confess to you today.”

“I – I wanted to do it yesterday, actually,” Jeongin admits, looks away, embarrassed. “After what I said on the radio show, I thought you deserved to know what I meant, but we got home late, and you slept early… so I did it today.”

Seungmin swallows, reaches for Jeongin’s hand slowly; gives Jeongin time to pull away if he doesn’t want it. Jeongin holds his hand, squeezes lightly in return to let him know it’s okay. “It’s been a long time,” Seungmin says, voice a little thick. “I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time already, I just couldn’t do it.”

Jeongin pauses, looks at Seungmin. “Can – can I ask why?”

“I was afraid,” Seungmin confesses. “I was afraid I’d ruin our friendship, and that you would hate me after that… and also – also because we’re idols. _Male_ idols in _South Korea_. I… had a lot of fears.”

“But you said you were going to do it today anyway…?”

“I wanted to stop being afraid,” Seungmin says, and then he’s looking at Jeongin too. “There was no way I could keep living like this – so I decided to confess… but you beat me to it.”

“I was just scared about hurting you,” Jeongin says, bites his lip. “I didn’t really care about anything else, but I was most scared about hurting you. After – after that time I pushed you, I was scared for a while… but I thought you deserved to know I feel.”

“It was just an accident,” Seungmin says softly, reminds him. “You didn’t mean any harm, and I forgot you didn’t like skinship. It was both our fault, and I was fine in the end.”

Jeongin smiles then, and then something changes in his smile, something more shy coming out in the corner of his mouth. “So then… hyung – are we – are we dating?”

“Ah!” Seungmin squeaks, becomes flustered almost immediately. Sure, it was one thing to hear it in k-dramas and cringing at it, but to have it said from the mouth of the person you love in their own voice – that was something else. “Well… since we both like each other – and if you want to… we can.”

“My boyfriend,” Jeongin says, tests out the words on his tongue and laughs sweetly when he watches Seungmin turn red. Then, in the next moment, he becomes a little sombre, like he’s just remembered something. “We’ll be okay, right, hyung?” Jeongin asks, hushed. “If we’re dating…”

Secrets. Lies. Hiding and darkness and making sure no cameras are on them. Fear and panic in equal amounts if a camera catches them. Males. Idols. South Korea. It would take so much bravery.

Seungmin thinks of Chan. Thinks of Minho and Jisung. Thinks of Changbin and Hyunjin and Felix and even Woojin. Thinks of his _family_ and his life and right now, his love, sitting in front of him, bright-eyed without lenses and red-lipped without tint.

“Always,” Seungmin says. He knows this not because it will be easy, but because they will always be together. “We’ll be okay.”

Because with the fear and the pain and the secrecy – would also come happiness. Peace. Joy. Things that come golden and silver and can be stitched into blankets that will keep them warm when it is cold, that will act as the shelter over their heads when the clouds storm.

There is softness in Jeongin’s eyes when Seungmin looks at him again, and Seungmin knows they’ll be okay. At the end of the road, they will be okay. Seungmin can hope this much.

* * *

(the first time they kiss is in the bathroom of music bank one friday a couple days into their new comeback. they would have argued that it was lack of time that meant they hadn’t kissed yet, but it also nerves and a need to find a space in their new relationship that they were comfortable with as they figured out how to act before they decided to take the next step.

in all honesty, it’s not like jeongin _planned_ for their first kiss to be in the bathroom of music bank. if he could change it, he would have made it a bit more romantic, but the stylists had given his boyfriend – _his boyfriend!_ he will never get over the thrill of saying it – the same sparkly, glittery eye makeup again, and really, could you blame jeongin? he had pulled seungmin into a bathroom that he knew not many people went to and then cupped seungmin's face, smiled. seungmin had leaned in, giggling all the way, and then their lips were together - and jeongin had forgotten everything else.

“we need to go,” seungmin murmurs, right against his lips as their phones chime with messages, asking them where they are and that they need to be on stage in fifteen minutes.

jeongin pulls back from where he had pressed seungmin up against the sink counter, and looks at him for a while. styled hair, gorgeous makeup, lips red from both tint and kissing, and the fabric around his waist and collar a little ruffled from holding. feels like there is too much and not enough air in his lungs all at the same time and presses himself back to seungmin, even closer. he feels like his lungs are lined with fire and feathers everytime he looks at seungmin. three months, and still.

“five more minutes,” jeongin promises, then leans in to kiss seungmin again. seungmin goes with a little sigh, and jeongin is so in love.

when they finally show up at their changing room with ten minutes to go, chan just sighs, fond. _go and touch-up your makeup, then get your microphones on_ , he says, and then leaves them to it.

seungmin smiles at jeongin – secrets, love, affection in one glance – and then they get ready to go on stage. they are okay.

seungmin can continue to hope.)

**Author's Note:**

> i tried my best to keep it as canon compliant as possible, which is why you see me adding references to the times by using music videos or whatnot. i didnt factor in vlives/tours/fanmeets and these things because my brain is only this size and can take this much info in a fic that was supposed to be under 10k so please forgive me if you see some inconsistencies/it doesn't fit to their actual schedule!
> 
> this is meant to be a slow burn fic with angst, but as you have already read, the angst fizzles out somewhere in the middle and instead turns to questioning/unsure feelings. i thought this would be a more logical progression of feelings as in this fic i characterised seungmin by his logic and intelligence. the concept that seungmin would easily recognise his own feelings, but then use that same logic to delude himself into believing jeongin would never return his feelings is something i found really interesting, as in this way his best quality is also his vice! i thought this would seem a more realistic portrayal of his character, i hope it makes for an interesting read as well~ 
> 
> i wanted to cover the topic about skinship as well. as i have said in the fic, not everyone shows affection in the same way. i wanted to use jeongin as a prime example - and so while he reacts negatively to skinship because of a perfectly valid reason (being ticklish/sensitive) he instead shows affection by remembering the little things about his members, and in particularly seungmin. i enjoyed writing about their characters and their development as well as the interactions between each member! i tried my best to show the development of their characters but do tell me what you think and how they come off!!
> 
> i would also like to address woojin's image being used in my fic. i understand some people still support him, and some people don't, perhaps due to what chan said in his room vlive a while ago, or for your own reasons. i respect your decision, but please don't hate on both parties. i used him because i thought it was important to acknowledge the history they have, the possible impact and magnitude of his actions on them as a group and individually, and made for some really interesting character development in this fic. i do hope that whatever your opinions are, you were still able to enjoy this fic! (and for those who were really, really perceptive, i dropped hints that chan did have a crush on woojin but ultimately it did not work out, showing both sides of the relationship dynamic: you can get a good end like minsung, but also a not-so-good ending like chan!)
> 
> as i tagged briefly, i used minsung as a plot developer, i hope no one minded that i did! i did this with the intention of showing how different people get together, and how really incredibly _stubborn_ seungmin and jeongin were being despite being told multiple times that the other person returned their feelings. i also used minsung partly because i can't resist writing about them, i just think their dynamics are adorable! 
> 
> the last scene in the brackets and in lowercase is not canon compliant. the time of that scene is based after the Go生 comeback.... and also just that i think seungmin's glittery makeup for the neverending stage was one of their top 5 makeup looks. it was also an opportunity to just give you some fluff to make up for the lomg, long process of them getting together!
> 
> both this fic and this end note has been ridiculously long but i wanted to explain the working process of some of the decisions i made, i hope it was an interesting read! being canon compliant, i wanted to make sure things were extra accurate, especially the interactions between the members and the way i captured their personalities. if you have any questions, i would love to answer them! 
> 
> if you wanna ask me more things, here is my [Tumblr](https://miroh-minho.tumblr.com/) and[Twitter](https://twitter.com/520Vie/)!!
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading this way too long fic with quite a few loose endings, and thank you again to bri for suggesting this wonderful, wonderful idea to me! i hope everyone is doing well and staying safe, hopefully i will meet everyone again very soon!!!


End file.
